Turn Me Away

TITLE: Turn Me Away
AUTHOR: Erykah Miszti
SUMMARY: Spike's in love. (B/S)
RATING: R (for bad language)
DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Joss Whedon and some big, nasty corporations. Thanks for the inspiration.
FEEDBACK: I die by inches without it.
ARCHIVE: Wherever, just keep my name on this version of it. Copy it, rewrite it, quote it, forward it. Copyright is a legal illusion. Just mention I inspired it.
SPOILERS: I haven't seen any season 5 eps but I read too many spoilers. This has implications and it works better if you know something about the events
in season 5.
DEDICATION: To those who understand love unrequited.

I'm a bloody fool.

Don't know why it happened. Wish it hadn't. Why is unlife never fair?

All I wanted was to take the pain away. The rejections of those poncy toffs
still hurt somewhere in that stupid part of me that shouldn't be human
anymore, but somehow still is. Tried to be evil. Tried to be good. Whatever
I do, I'm always here rejected and alone. Not good enough. Not demon
enough.

It was supposed to be fun, right? Sounds fun, don't it? Be a vampire. Live
forever. Was okay when I could make the pain go away by giving it to someone
else. Fangs tearing flesh, my life for theirs, my pain gifted to them. Don't
even get that trick anymore.

It was okay once.. with Dru. Oh Dru, my Dark Goddess. My saviour, my love.
Took me away from the rejection and gave me a home. Held me tight against
her cold breasts during those endless days. How could cold flesh warm me so
much? We comforted each other in our own way in those years after losing
Angelus and Darla. Their absence, their rejection, only hurt less because
she was with me. I told myself I didn't care. Dru and me against the entire
fucking world!

But always that ragged hole. Angelus. The one who taught me.

So cold. No pain seemed to touch him. No mercy. No humanity. None of the
heart I'm sodding well stuck with. Heh, I used to envy him for that. Look at
the poof now! Worse than me. Soft bastard.

Is it easy to not kill will a soul? It's easy to not kill with a chip.
Bugger that soul bollocks! You try killing with a human heart. That hurts
like a son of bitch. That's the definition of evil though, isn't it Angel?
Love thy victim. The soul doesn't stop you, does it Angel? It isn't
conscience that kept you brooding in bed through those days and nights. It's
fear. That's why you left Buffy, isn't it? She wasn't your lover. She was
just another of your victims. You kept her hanging because you fed on her
pain, the same way you always have. And Darla? You do love her, peaches, but
that just makes you want to hurt her more, doesn't it? It's why you screw
over those poor morons in LA who care about you so much. You love them too.
The blood may keep you alive but it's the pain that makes you live: yours
and theirs.

That's what Buffy and the Slayerettes haven't figured out yet. The demons
eat out our bodies and send our souls packing to whatever shithole in the
sky that's reserved for their victims but they can't destroy our human
hearts. They twist and corrupt them. They stop them beating the blood
through our flesh but there's something they can't kill. The human heart
isn't in that lump of dead meat, it's not in our soul. Our minds don't die,
our genes don't die, we still feel pain and love is pain a hundred times
magnified till only the embrace of the one you love can chase it away for a
moment.

Fucking listen to me! There's that idiot kid right there, still inside me.
The bloody poet with dreams of love, all tangled with the demons reality.

Truth is, this is the demons world. They were here first. God made them in
his image first, not Humans. They're the bastard kids and we're the bastard
kids of the bastards and the truth.

I love Buffy. I love her so much. I want to rip her chest open and eat her
heart, just to feel the warmth of her inside me. Her blood on my cold, white
skin. I want to strip her skin off and wrap myself in it. I'd do anything
for a single smile, fuck, even a single well thrown punch that shows she
cares enough to beat me up! It hurts. Shit, it hurts.

I want Dru back. She made me comfortable, welcome. It didn't hurt to be with
her. It didn't make me feel this uncontrollable itch. My mind didn't race,
my skin didn't crawl and my pain was calmed.

Yeah, I wanted to kill anyone who touched her but I didn't want to kill her
friends just so they'd leave us alone together. I didn't want to turn the
whole world upside down just to get rid of her frown, to stop her pain.

I look at her and it hurts. I touch her and it hurts. I think of her and I
want to gouge out my eyes and reach into my brain. Tear that chip out with
my bare hands. Get my release back, so I can give my pain away again. I want
to kill people.

Not her though. Never her. Never could.

Sometimes want to die but then I'd never see her again. Being here like this
is better than nothing. It has to be.

Can't control my tongue. I had to tell her. Wanted to tell her. Couldn't
keep it inside. Want to tell her everything. About the pain. She'd
understand that. She understands pain. We could take each others pain. Want
her to talk to me. Want her to cry to me. She knows about the pain. I want
to take hers away.

I love Buffy. But she turns me away. They all do.

Background and designs from Opulant Designs.

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