Shame

Author: blarney stone

Email: srelar@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Everything up through Wrecked, and speculation on future eps.
Disclaimer: Joss owns all. All praise be to Joss.
Summary: Willow and Xander are shocked by Buffy's immoral liaison with Spike.

Amy was right, Rack's invasion never lasted long; but while it was happening, it was impossible to shut him out. He was everywhere, all over her, and she was helpless to resist.

/// "God, Buffy! How could you do it? How could you have sex with him?"

"I-I just needed to feel something, Willow. I just wanted to feel alive again."

"So you slept with Spike?? SPIKE?? I thought I knew you better than that."///

Rack was done, and he withdrew from her mind and soul. "You were great, Strawberry. You always are. Little Amy-Rat could learn a thing or two from you. After the first time, I was bored with her; but, you, oh yeah, I'll never get tired of you."

Willow smiled at him. It didn't mean anything. The warlock gave her what she wanted, and she gave him what he wanted. It was a fair trade.

Slouching on his ratty couch, Rack held up his hand, and tiny orange bolts of power leapt from it. "You ready for a ride, Strawberry?"

She nodded eagerly, "I've been waiting for this all day." Willow closed her eyes, and moaned as the first rush hit her. It flowed through her skin, in her veins, through her eyeballs. It lifted her into the air, spun her around and plastered her against a wall. As she gasped for breath, she heard Rack's low predatory laugh, followed by the crackling sound that preceded round two.

// "He's a demon, Buffy. You gave your body to a demon."

"It wasn't like that. We needed -- I needed. . ."

"How could you open yourself up to a thing like that?"

"He's not. . . "

"He's not a man. He's a killer; a monster. At least Angel had a soul. Spike has nothing. "

"Willow, I was lonely and he made me feel good."

"He made you feel good. Okay. Well, that's a good reason to have sex with a demon. Don't you have any respect for yourself or your body anymore? Are you just willing to give it up to anyone or anything just because they make you feel good?"///

Giggling helplessly, Willow floated over a field of yellow flowers. Birds sang in the trees nearby, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. A warm breeze caressed her cheek, and whispered, "Do you want some more?"

Xander sat in his car outside the dinner, waiting for her shift to end. Yes, it was bad. Very, very bad; but he was getting married in less than two weeks to a former demon, and his whole life was about to be turned upside down, and Anya just wouldn't shut up, and no one was ever going to know. Besides, it was Julie Holcomb. THE Julie Holcomb; the girl who hadn't spoken a word to him through 12 years of school. Spoken to him? Hell, she hadn't even noticed he was alive. Until tonight, when she spilled the chocolate shake he ordered in his lap; and one thing had lead to another, and he had ended up with an invitation to
drive her home from work.

///"It's about responsibility, Buffy. You can't just do whatever the hell you want. You're the Slayer. People are counting on you to do what's right."

"Xander, it didn't interfere with my slaying. I patrolled. I. . . "

"That's not the point. What kind of example are you setting for Dawn? What's she going to think when she finds out you're boffing the Evil Undead?"

"Dawn loves Spike. It wouldn't bother her. . ."

"Well, that's a problem too, isn't it? Spike is the enemy, and you haven't bothered to teach her that."///

Julie slid into his car, and smiled a "take me home and do stuff to me" smile. Xander gulped, managed a weak grin, and turned the key in the ignition. One night, that's all. One night, that no one would ever know about. It didn't matter.

As they drove in silence, he mentally rehearsed an excuse to give to Anya. "There was an emergency at the site. Three floors collapsed. Nobody knows why, I bet it was some Hellmouthy thing. I had to inspect the damage. It's a disaster, An. It's going to set the project back weeks. Here, these two dozen roses are for you."

///"Yeah, I know he worked with us all summer; but it doesn't mean that's he's good, or that he has honor. How could he? He's a soulless vampire."

"He listened to me. He was my friend."

"He just wanted to get in your pants; that's all he ever wanted. Okay, maybe not when you were dead. Although, we did let him baby-sit Dawn a lot. Maybe he waited till she was asleep, and then went digging through your underwear drawer. "

"I don't think he would. ."

"Buffy, you have to put a stop to this. Willow and I are you're closest friends. We've known you for years; things haven't been the same since you came back. You're not making the same kind of decisions you used to make. You're going to have to rely on us to help you with the tough choice for awhile; until you get back into the swing of thing. You know we won't steer you wrong."///

They walked up the path to Julie's building. She fumbled through her purse for the key, and opened the door. Xander paused on the threshold, and said to himself, "No one's ever going to know. It doesn't mean anything."

Buffy sat on her bed, with her eyes closed. This world didn't exist; she was back in heaven, where everything was warm and there was no pain; only love.

///"Am I good, Spike? I've never thought I was any good."

"You're incredible, luv. You could give lessons."

"Well, thanks!"

"I'm serious; I'd pay."

"Spike!"

"Don't get testy, I was only saying that you are magnificent; like a goddess. My beautiful Sex Goddess. How would you like to be worshipped? I could prostrate myself before you, or bend over backwards. I'm flexible."

"I noticed."

"Oh, Bad Girl! Are you happy, you naughty thing, you?"

"Very. I want to stay like this forever."

"That sounds like a good plan."///

Buffy buried her face in her pillow, and let the tears flow. There was no shame in heaven.