AUTHOR: Taramisu
 WRITTEN: 9/02/01
 E-MAIL: taramisu1@yahoo.com
 SUMMARY: There are many plots out there bringing Buffy and Spike together in 'shippy bliss. This is a parody of the worst of them.
 CATEGORY: Parody
 RATING: PG13

The SG are gathered in the Magic Box, looking through volumes of dusty books.

Giles:  W-w-well, it’s t-t-time to c-call it a n-n-n-n-n-night.

{all yawn}

Giles:  B-b-b-b-b-buffy, I w-w-want you to t-t-take S-s-spike and go p-p-p-patrolling.

Buffy:  What!?  Why do I have to go with him?

Buffy gives an Evil eye over in Spike’s direction, who is all too happy to go patrolling with the love of his life.

Giles:  P-p-please don’t a-a-a-a-a-a-argue w-w-w-w-with me.  J-j-j-j-just g-g-g-g-go.

Spike: {Woo hoo!}

Buffy walks out behind Spike, admiring his butt the whole time.

Buffy:  {What am I doing?  This is a souless demon.  Shame on you Buffy.  Stop those nasty thoughts.  He’s not all that sexy.}

******************************************

Spike and Buffy arrive at the cemetery.  Spike lights a cigarette.

Buffy:  {Oooh.  He’s so sexy when he does that.  I wonder how those lips taste….No!  Bad Buffy.  Stop those bad, bad, bad thoughts.  You do not want Spike.  You want someone boring and white bread like Riley.}

Spike:  Well, I’m bored.  What do we do now, Slayer?

Buffy:  Shut up Spike!  I’m so gonna kick your ass.  {And what a fine ass it is….No Buffy!  Stop it.  Think good thoughts like Daffodils and Moonbeams and Popsicles and penises and…}

Buffy glares at Spike.

Buffy:  {Glare}

Spike:  Buffy!  Look out!

Buffy: {He used my name.  Oh, how endearing.}  I hate you, Spike.  You are nasty and Evil and you have no soul.  I spit on you.

A large, green demon, draining yellow pus attacks our fair Slayer.  She is knocked to the ground unconscious.  The nasty StinkDemon raises one paw to deliver the fatal blow when all of a sudden…

Spike:  Nooooooooo!

Spike emerges and kills the StinkDemon.  In the process, he has gotten some bad cuts and bruises.  Also, the Demon gashed his poor head open and the chip fell out.  Paying himself no mind, Spike gathers up the Slayer and takes her into his crypt.  [Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.  Know what I mean?  Know what I mean?  Say no more.  Say no more.°]

Our dastardly, souless, yet domesticated, demon carefully tends to the wounds of our young heroine.  It takes three days before she awakens.  Yet no one has bothered to come looking for her.

She opens her eyes and sees a pale, smiling face over her.

Buffy:  W-what.  Where am I?  Spike?

Spike:  Yes, Buffy.  It is I, Spike.  The vampire who is in love with you and who shall shortly be in your pants.

Buffy:  Did you (gulp) save me from that menacing Demon in the cemetery?

Spike:  Why, yes I did!  Don’t worry, my sweet, you will be okay now.  I shall carry you back to your house, where I am not invited, and leave you to the care of your friends and family (pout, pout).  

Buffy:  Yes, you should do that.  {Even though I'd rather stay here and let you tend to my body parts...I mean wounds.  Bad, bad, terrible Buffy.  I've got to stop thinking about his tight, well muscled body!}

Spike:  Well, we better go soon, because I can smell your animal arousal right through your pants, ducks.

Buffy feels a tingling sensation all over.  She realizes something she has been denying herself for so long now.

Buffy:  Spike?

Spike:  Yes, luv?

Buffy yanks off all her clothes. 

Buffy:  Do me now, you wild stallion!!  I want you.  I need you.

They continue to have hot monkey sex way into the night and the next day and the next night and then the next day. 

Buffy is lying on Spike’s chest, fiddling with his short hairs.

Buffy:  It took me so long to figure out, but now I know.  I love you, Spike.  I always have.  Let’s never fight again.

Spike:  Oh, Buffy, I knew one day you would come around to my way of thinking.

Buffy:  {And he’s such a better lover than Angel, Riley and Parker all combined.  Wow.}  I will never love another.

Spike:  I have to go out and eat now dear.  That StinkDemon removed my chip and boy am I hungry for some fresh meat.

Buffy:  Ok, dear.  Just don’t eat anyone I know, okay?

Spike:  Oh, why not?

Buffy:  That has to be the way of things.  I will turn my head and ignore my Slayer and human sensibilities (in order to have hot monkey sex) as long as you spare those I know and love.  Deal?

Spike:  Deal.

Spike leaves to find food while Buffy lies around the crypt deciding how to redecorate.

The End.