AUTHOR: Taramisu

WRITTEN: 10/22/02
SUMMARY: Buffy comes to her senses

SPOILERS: Help
RATING: PG

How could she have missed it? With all the emotional turmoil of the last few months, she just missed it.

                                                            ********* 

Buffy spent hours with Xander, discussing the events that led up to last spring: his fear of commitment, his fear of turning into his father, his turn to alcohol as a bed mate. They sat together until the wee hours, crying and comforting. In the end, Xander emerged somewhat healed. Healed by the love of a small blonde with a large heart.

Dawn got a different therapy from her sister. They stuck together like glue for all those summer months, going over self-defense techniques, talking about boys, school, peanut butter waffles, friends, life. The younger sister talked for hours, depending on Buffy for a sympathetic pair of ears…now that she had them to talk to. They would hug, cry, comfort, cajole. In the end, Dawn and Buffy’s relationship had grown so much stronger. There was little that could shake them now. They faced death nightly and bad hair every morning. They were a team.

Then Willow returned. It did not take long for them to rebuild a tentative relationship. There was much to forgive, but they got the job done. Willow’s physical and emotional scars would heal more quickly now that she had her best friend at her side, lending strength and courage. Yes, this was good. This would work.

And then there was her job: her ‘kids’, as she came to know them. She would never have children of her own, so she made sure to cherish each borrowed son or daughter who walked into her ‘office’. Some of them were lonely. Some of them were scared. Some of them were traumatized by loss, grief, or abuse. It was nothing she hadn’t personally or vicariously dealt with before. But she could make a real difference here. Impact a life that would otherwise end poorly. 

The world was a happier place with her at the wheel. Buffy Summers: protector, friend, confidante, therapist, counselor.

And that’s when it hit her. She had cared for everyone in her life who meant something, and many people who didn’t. Everyone but one little soul. One soul left out in the cold to fend for itself. A soul by the name of William.

                                                        ********** 
 
As usual, the basement was dark and full of offending odors. Buffy screwed her face up in disgust at first, trying to keep the offending scents from her nostrils. But she soon forced herself to stop. What if he saw her like that. What would that say about the great Buffy Summers, healer of lost souls?

She smoothed her face and continued on her trek to find him. He was lost down here again…still.

It took many minutes, but she eventually chose the right combination of twists and turns. And there he knelt, in the corner. His face was stained with old tears, his clothes hadn’t been changed in days, and a dead rat carcass lay at his side. His body rocked firmly against the brick wall, shaking itself almost violently.

“You shouldn’t be here. Creature of light. Beautiful Buffy. Don’t stain yourself. Move away.” He bowed his head even further in an attempt to hide his face from her, as if doing so hid all his sins.

She approached him carefully, as one would a frightened animal. No quick movements. No fear. She knew not to show that fear. Nothing enraged a wild animal like sensing fear. 

Buffy silently chastised herself. “Not an animal. Not a beast. He’s Spike. It’s Spike in there somewhere.”

“William? I’m not going away.”

“I’m not sure if I have it right. It’s not the correct time.” He painfully looked up at her face. “Do you know that? Can you feel that?”

She closed the distance between them a bit quicker, reaching out to touch his face.

He let her. “Just this once,” he thought. “Then the apparition will go away. It will go away.”

“All I feel is you, William.”

The warmth of her touch startled him and he stood suddenly. “You…you’re not…” 

Instead of finishing his sentence, Spike scampered to the other corner of the room, then collapsed in it.

God, what was going on with him? She pushed back her tears and grief then raised her head a bit. “I’m here to make things right, Spike.” After a beat, she continued. “You can’t keep shutting us out like this. You need help and you’re going to get it.”

“Need help. Need help. Need help. William doesn’t deserve help. He’s a bad, bad man. Bad.” He slapped himself in the forehead.

Buffy snapped. “That’s it, Spike. That’s enough!” She followed him into the shadows, and gently yet firmly took his hand in hers. “You’ve wallowed in your self-hatred for long enough. It’s time to move on. The world needs its hero back.” She swallowed, willing herself to continue with the truth. “I need my hero back.”

Almost magically, the old Spike stood before her. “Your hero? You think that’s what I am, Buffy? The man…thing that tried to rape you. Am worthy of saving? Am I a righteous man?”

This all sounded terribly familiar to her, bringing back floods of memories and emotional pain. But this was not about her. No. All last year had been about her. It was time to swallow that down and act like the hero she was.

Buffy reached for his face, but he flinched back, hitting his head on the wall behind him. “Yes. You are.”

Spike forced himself to look at her. After blinking back some tears, he saw her beautiful face, filled with compassion. He was confused.

“Look. We’ve all screwed up, okay? The important thing is that we acknowledge what we’ve done and move on. And it’s time for you to move on, Spike.”

He clenched his eyes and shook his head slowly. But Buffy was having none of that. She forcefully took his chin in her hand and made him look at her. “Yes. We’re getting out of here and getting you better. What kind of person would I be to leave you here to wallow in guilt? Not the real me. Not the Buffy that I like and want to be. Now, are you coming on your own power, or do I have to knock you out and carry you out of here?”

Several emotions flitted across his face. She wasn’t sure for a minute how this would end. Finally, a sly smile emerged across his lips. “As if you could.”

                                                        ************

Buffy opened the door to the house on Revello Drive, automatically stepping inside. But she was alone. Turning around, she saw Spike hanging back in the shadows outside. “Spike. There’s no need for an invitation. I never uninvited you.”

“What? No. That’s not…” He took a deep breath, trying to focus and keep Spike in the forefront. “I can’t go in there. Not after…” His tears began again. “Never again.” He looked in her eyes. “Never again, my sweet Buffy.”

“Spike. We talked about this. Okay, I talked and you somewhat listened. We have to get passed the past. Xander did it. Dawn and I did it. Hell, even Willow’s doing it. And you don’t want Xander to have one up on you, do you?”

Spike gave her a dirty little look, then proceeded into the home.

Once inside, his eyes focused on the stairway as his hands began to wring themselves. He almost turned back to dart outside, but Buffy caught him in time. “No. No running from this.”

Spike collapsed on the floor, weeping with all his soul. “Buffy, the things…if you only knew. The children, the mothers…I can’t do this. I need to stay where I belong. I can’t taint you with my darkness. I have to get out of here.” He looked around like a trapped animal, until he felt Buffy kneeling behind him. She had her hands on his shoulders and was whispering into his ear.

“You are where you belong.”

He was still trying to leave until he heard four whispered words. Actually, he wasn’t sure if they were actually uttered, or if he was projecting his fondest wishes upon her. “I forgive you, William.”

His eyebrows creased. “What?!”

Buffy turned him around to face her. “It’s okay. I forgive you.”

“How can you even…”

“No. Stop and listen.” And he did. His tears, however, did not. “I hurt you. You hurt me. We used and abused each other. You’re not the only one to blame here.” A panic rose in Buffy’s gut, but she shoved it down as far as it would go. The days of hiding from her own emotions and misdeeds were over. “I used you. You said it yourself, that night in the church. I used you as a…service. I took advantage of your great love for me and treated it like garbage.” She took a deep breath and continued. “I don’t want to be that Buffy anymore. And I don’t want you to be the Spike who has to demean himself for just a taste of love.”

Spike’s body went limp and Buffy caught him, collapsing to the floor with his head at her breast. “I…”

“You’re a good man. You just need some guidance. And guess what? I’m the new guidance counselor of Sunnydale.” She beamed a kind, yet tentative smile at him and he looked up to soak it in. It was glorious. He knew he didn’t deserve it, but he took it anyhow, tucking it away in a pocket in his mind, to bring out and feel again later when the despair overtook him.

“I’m so sorry, my Buffy. My beautiful Buffy.”

She kissed the top of his head. “So am I, Spike. So am I.”

                                                        *************

A half hour later, slayer and vampire remained in the hallway, clenched together. The front door opened to reveal a very ticked off slayer-in-training. Buffy preempted the outburst with a finger on her own lips.

“Shhh. He’s sleeping.”

“Buffy! What’s going…”

“We’ll talk. I promise. I’ll explain this.” She accepted that for the time being and continued upstairs.

A groggy vampire stirred. “Was that Dawn?”

“Yeah. I have to talk to her about this. She doesn’t understand yet.”

“Either do I, pet.”

“Are you going to tell her, or am I?”

“What? Tell her that I’m a psychopathic killer who’s killed more people than she’s ever met.” Buffy slapped him softly on the back of the head. 

“The soul, Spike. I think she’d understand it better coming from you.”

He sighed. “Can I just sit here for a while and pretend things are safe?”

“Sure. That’s me. Safe Buffy. Now, nap away. We got until Monday morning.” He giggled. He giggled? She smiled inwardly, happy with the knowledge that Spike was still in there somewhere. Somewhere amidst all the pain was her Spike. The one who did just this for her last year after some insensitive blob yanked her out of Heaven.

“I still don’t understand this, luv. Why the change? Why help me? I don’t deser…”

“You say you don’t deserve help one more time and I’m gonna take you outside for a vampire barbeque.”

“I’m serious, Buffy.”

She looked down at her shoes. They were always so interesting at times like this, weren’t they? What with the leather, and the…laces…and the… “I’m going to tell you the truth, okay?”

Spike suddenly sat up, worried. The truth? Since when did Buffy ever face the truth, let alone admit it?

“Well, Jesus, Spike. It’s not that big a deal!”

“Yes, it is.” He raised one eyebrow.

“Now, I want to say this, but I don’t want you to take it the wrong way.”

What the Hell was she nattering on about anyhow? He just stared at her, perplexed.

“Xander. He’s my friend. Has been since I moved to this hellhole…literally.”

“You’re helping me because Xander’s your friend? Bloody brilliant, Buffy.”

“Could you please let me finish a thought here?”

“Be my guest.” He was enthralled despite any attitude to the contrary.

“And I love him. I would do just about anything for him. The same goes for Willow.” He motioned for her to continue, dying of the suspense.

“And I…I…love you the same way.” Buffy attempted to continue and blather on about how this doesn’t mean at all that she loves him in a romantic, sexual way. In fact, she had a whole blathering session scheduled for just this moment, but it was interrupted by a vampire embracing her so hard, she thought her internal organs might leak out of her ears. Which, ewww, gross!

“Ssssppp…Ssssspppkkkk!” He let go and looked into her beautiful eyes.

“I don’t love you the way you love…or loved me. That’s not…”

“It doesn’t matter.” He then turned contemplative and took her hands. “I’ll never let you down again. I promise. I’ll make myself worthy of your friendship, okay? Do you believe me?” Spike looked at her as if his entire life depended on her agreement. He eyes searched her face for understanding and acceptance. And, yes. There it was.

“Of course.”

Dawn walked in at just this moment, reaffirming Murphy’s law. Her foot tapped. Her arms were crossed. A ‘huff’ was just waiting to escape.

“Um, I’m going to get Spike some clean clothes. Why don’t you two talk a minute.” Spike held onto her hand for dear life, but he never was stronger than the slayer.