A Decision of Trust

 AUTHOR: Taramisu
 WRITTEN: 2/7/03
 E-MAIL: taramisu1@yahoo.com
 SUMMARY: Buffy makes her decision after "The Killer In Me".
 RATING: PG-13
AUTHOR NOTES: Thank you my all knowing, all seeing beta: Jacq. 

‘Not again,’ Spike muttered to himself as he felt the tug of unconsciousness.  In the last few months alone he had gathered up a lifetime of experience on the precise process of blacking out.

First would come the dizziness, followed closely by the swirling blackness at the periphery of his vision.  Then, depending on the severity of head injury or lack of nourishment, auditory disturbances might ensue.  Voices would become muted and drawn out while a high-pitched hum would slowly take over.  Finally, the pull would become too strong and he would fall into that warm darkness that is unconsciousness.

Sometimes he likened that falling to the feeling when sleep overtakes a child forcing himself to stay awake past his bedtime.  But this time, black-out number 47 in the year 2003, he had never fought harder to maintain alertness.

All he knew was that he and Buffy had been attacked by…something – some anonymous demon.  He tried to fight it, but the roaring pain from within his head had knocked him down and out before the monster could even touch him.  When he came to, they were surrounded by commandos, a bunch of Riley’s old mates from the look of it.  He wasn’t sure what was going on.  Had they sent the demon after him and Buffy?  And what were those wankers doing here in the first place?

Ah, yes.  Yet another step in the process he forgot to catalogue.  The complete and utter buggaring confusion that happens right around the time of auditory hallucination.

His hearing began to fade again. That scared the shit out of him and he doubled his efforts at staying conscious. He had to keep his wits about him – no telling what kind of help Buffy might need.

As he fought to maintain connection with the world around him, he heard something remarkable:

            “All decisions regarding Hostile 17 are to be left in your hands.”

Assistance?  They were here to offer their assistance?  Spike struggled to sharpen his thoughts for just another minute.  A choice.  They were offering Buffy a choice.  His first response was to panic.  But then reason took over, and he knew.  He knew that whatever choice there was to be made, which was probably either removal or repair of the chip, she would certainly choose wisely.  Buffy wouldn’t let him down.  Not now.  Not after what she had gone through to rescue him from the First.

At the overwhelming relief that infused his soul, Spike gave in and slipped into unconsciousness without resistance.

Now, coming back to consciousness was a bit more difficult than losing it.  It wasn’t so much a ‘falling into grace’ as it was a painful endeavor to climb out of a deep, dark pit, where the senses are forced back into the body before it is quite ready.

The first thing he became aware of was a nearly unbearable, pounding pain at the top of his head that forcefully radiated down to his ears.  Then came the light.  He could see a flickering of light and shadow behind his eyelids.  Next came hearing as he sensed a figure shuffling about in front of him.

Alarm arose.  Where was he?  What happened?  His head certainly felt as if the chip were still weakly firing away indiscriminately.  He wanted to yell out, find out what the bloody hell was going on, but couldn’t.

Slowly, his body seemed to come further under his control.  His eyes opened to something pink that was obscuring half his view of a white ceiling.  He looked upward to ascertain the identity of the object.  A snout.  Painfully, he moved his head to get a better view.  A stuffed pig?  Well, he definitely wasn’t a captive of those Initiative blokes.  That was one positive in this mess.

“Spike!”

Buffy?  It was Buffy.  Thank God.

“You’re awake.”

“Yeah.  Enough to know that I don’t wanna be.”

He attempted to sit up, his movement hindered by the stabbing pain to his head.  Before he knew it, Buffy was at his side with her hand on his chest.

“No, no.  Stay still.  They said you’d have to stay on bed rest for at least 24 hours.”  Buffy looked down to see him happily staring at her.  “Although, how they would know anything about vampire medical care, I’ll never know.  What, do they have a book called, How To Care for Your Sick Vampire in 12 Easy Steps?”

Spike smiled, but an uncomfortable silence quickly descended upon them as they both focused on the feminine hand lingering on his chest.

“Um…”  Buffy jerked the hand away in embarrassment, her eyes searching around the room for anything other than him on which to focus.

In an effort to dissolve the tension, Spike continued with conversation.  “So.  The magic question.”  He left the topic hang there, certain that she would understand.

“What question?”

Spike closed his eyes and sighed, giving himself a mental kick in the pants.  With the pain still rattling his cognitive processes, he couldn’t be sure if she was joking.  And this was just not the time for games.  “Don’t be funny, Buffy.”

“Funny?”  Her expression softened in understanding.  “Oh.  You heard what the commando guy offered me, huh?”

At her look of compassion, he smiled faintly.  “Yeah.  In between black-outs, I heard that much at least.”

More silence.  She looked…almost apologetic.  Was that how she felt?  Her emotions were so hard to read lately.

“So?  What was your decision?”  He tried not to let any anxiety show.  She had made the right decision, whatever it was.  He was sure of it.

“No decision.  I had no real choice, now, did I?”

Spike sighed in resignation.  “Yeah.  S’pose not.”

They looked into each other’s eyes – two beings in total agreement, for once in their lives.

“So!”  Buffy smiled, then slapped the bed.  “They had to do a lot of, um, manipulation to get to the chip.  Therefore – lots of in-bed time at the Casa de Summers.  Breakfast in bed, served by the most beautiful women in Sunnydale.  And absolutely no spilling your blood on my sheets, mister.”

Her smile blinded him.  Really.  When was the last time he had seen such radiance from her poor, tired face?  And even better, her mood was catching.

“They give you a warranty this time?”  He smiled back at her.

And hers slowly dissipated.  “Spike.  They took it out.  I told them to take it out.”  Her eyes were deadly serious but he just knew the words had to be a joke.

“You…what the bloody hell were you thinking?!” Spike shouted.

He fought again to sit up, but met with more resistance from his head and then his chest.  There was that hand again.

Buffy took a deep breath, and then continued.  “How could I possibly leave it in?  What if the next time the chip goes all ‘kerblooey’, there’s no way to contact Riley?  Huh?  Then what?”

Spike reluctantly dropped into the bed, the stuffed animal comically falling onto his face in the least comical of moments.  He set it upright again, then rubbed his face.

“Buffy, you know from experience that you can’t trust me.  You’ve said as much yourself.  What if the First…”

“Stop it!”  Something in her voice shut him right up.  “When the First took you over, the chip didn’t keep you from killing humans.  And, as far as you go, I trust you, Spike.  I wouldn’t have taken it out if I didn’t.”

She just sat there with some foreign expression on her lovely face – the same expression she reserved for the witch, Rupert or…Angel.  What did she just say to him?  He couldn’t believe that his ears heard her correctly.  Could this be another hallucination?

“You…you…”

They sat quietly for a moment.  Buffy regarding him steadily, her eyes meeting his openly and directly, and Spike staring back, totally befuddled. 

Finally, Buffy broke the trance by reaching out and gently caressing his cheek.  “I said, I trust you.”

A tear slid down her cheek.

Spike was just about to reach up and wipe it away, when he realized that that was exactly what she was doing to his own tears.

After an undignified sniffle, he closed his eyes to thank a little girl who promised him this weeks ago.  ‘Someday she’ll tell you.’  At the time, he had hoped it would be more.  But now that he heard these words coming from his beautiful Buffy’s mouth, he wouldn’t trade them for anything.