METAPHYSICS
This semester will amend the study of the nature of the soul begun last semester. Special attention will be paid to the recent discovery that "moment of true happiness" is NOT, as previously believed, a synonym for "all-night sweaty shagfest." We apologize for any inconvenience this might have caused.

SPECIAL TOPICS IN LITERATURE AND FILM
Why Dracula, Lestat, Armand, Nick Knight, and all the kids in "Lost Boys" are a bunch of poncey gits. Also covered: what was up with Gary Oldman's hair, and why did they put Keanu Reeves in that movie anyway?

CAN I USE YOUR PHONE? MY CAR JUST BROKE DOWN
This course will cover creative ways to get invited into the homes of unsuspecting mortals. A demonstration will be required at the end of the semester.  An invitation into the home of any member of the Summers family will earn extra credit.

MARKSMANSHIP
Yes, the blood of a live Slayer is a great delicacy, so you don't want a quick kill or a puddle of wasted savory slayery goodness. But there are places you can shoot to incapacitate a Slayer without much blood loss, and feed on the thrashing, helpless body. We will cover those areas this semester.  Credit: one semester hour. Class meets Monday and Wednesday at 1 a.m., with mandatory range time on Friday at 2:30 a.m.

FINANCIAL PLANNING
With prudent investments, the five quid you spent on one night of carousing in 1820 could have made you a millionaire today. You may stop kicking yourself now. Will you still be kicking yourself in another two
hundred years? Not if you take this course. Legal advice on making the instructor your heir will also be covered in a handout from the firm of Wolfram and Hart.

FIRE BAD
Students will learn how to select flame-retardant clothing and recognize the smell of gasoline. Stop, drop and roll theory will also be covered.

SELF-PROTECTION
Yes, armor slows you down in a fight. But you're freaking vampires, and really only have to protect an area the size of a 45 RPM record (being hundreds of years old, we vampires are the only creatures on Earth who remember what those are). We will explore how two small pieces of steel or kevlar, front and back, can help avoid nasty stakings.

FASHION/AESTHETICS
This course will cover modern modes of dress, to help vampires dead more than 100 years blend in to modern Southern California. Other topics will include poncey hair gel, the wisdom of wearing all black in the sun, hair bleaching techniques, and how long to wait before showing "The Face."

INTERIOR DESIGN
As computer programmers and video gamers have proven, just because you can never go out in daylight doesn't mean you have to live in a dank crypt.  Entrances via underground parking garages, sewer tunnels, and disused subway lines will be explored. Other topics will include opaque window treatments and basement apartments.

CULINARY ARTS
Students will be graded on their ability to find the tastiest human prey. Students must bring their homework to the instructor, freshly killed so that the instructor need exercise no violence, for judging.
 
 

 AUTHOR: Pedro Aybar
 WRITTEN: 10/10/2000
 E-MAIL: pedro.aybar@virgin.net
 Newsgroups: soc.culture.dominican-rep

Cooking Italian Without Garlic
Everybody loves Italian food, and even the most discriminating vampire will tell you that some of the richest, most succulent Italian red sauces compare quite favorably with aortal blood.  But how hard is it to find a pasta recipe without the ingredient that is the nemesis of vampires everywhere? garlic.  In Cooking Italian Without Garlic, we'll teach you what vampire-friendly ingredients you can use instead of garlic and still create tooth-suckingly good dishes.

Grooming for Vampires
How many times have you gone out thinking you looked like George Hamilton only to discover you look more like Nosferatu?  As all vampires know, it's hard to look your best when you can't even see your own reflection.  Well this is the course where we teach you how to tell how you look with your hands, and when you finish this class you'll be able to go out at night knowing that not one hair is out of place.

Long Long Term Investing
Don't you wish you had bought a small piece of Manhattan back when the States was but a colony?  Vampires have long retirements, which means they need safe investments, investments that will
continue to give a steady cash flow over centuries, but how safe is too safe?  Take this course and we'll teach you how to invest for the long long term.

Open Your Own Blood Bank
How would you like to feast on as much blood as you liked without all that bothersome kicking and screaming?  Did you know that you can open a blood bank in 22 states without having to pass a
vampire-screening?  With this course we'll teach you all the ins and outs of opening your own blood bank so that, instead of having to chase your next meal through the streets, they'll come to you.

P.V.A.
Vampires have one of the highest rates of alcoholism for all of the undead, which is why we have created P.V.A., or Positive Vampire Attitude.  Just because vampires are forced to stalk and kill their victims for every meal doesn't mean you have to feel bad about yourself.

Fang Shui
Master Vampire Bruce Vogolyte has taken the ancient Chinese practice of Feng Shui and updated it for vampires everywhere to create Fang Shui.  Very simply, this course will teach you how to design and arrange your earthen coffin to maximize health and harmony.

Health and Fitness for Vampires
Did you realize that some vampires are highly allergic to certain blood types and don't even know it?  Are you aware of the effect that the general fattening of America, and their cholesterol rich blood, has on your health.  Many vampires have become overweight and sedentary, and for some it has gotten so bad that when the turn into a bat they can't even get aloft.  This course covers health, diet, fitness, and all around (and all important) vampire oral hygiene.

Liposuction for Vampires
Liposuction, or the sucking of fat out of hips and thighs, can be a great, and lucrative, side business for vampires in need of some extra cash.  In Liposuction for Vampires we will teach you everything you need to know about opening up your own clinic, including how to suck out the cellulite without leaving fang marks, as well as which mouthwash is best for getting rid of the terrible taste of fat.