AUTHOR: Taramisu
 WRITTEN: 3/09/2001
 E-MAIL: taramisu1@yahoo.com
 EXPLANATION: Inspired by a question posted in the alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer newsgroup: "If you were an instructor in Spike's School for Vampires (TM), what would you teach your students?"

Rule #1:  Don't play with your food.

Rule #2:  (Einstein learned this from the Master, Spike) Only have one kind of outfit in your wardrobe.  It saves brain power when all you have to do in the evening when you awaken is reach for a black t-shirt, black pants and a leather duster.

Rule #3:  Always choose A+ over AB-.

Rule #4:  Brag whenever possible.

Rule #5:  Being Love's Bitch is a bitch.

Rule #6:  No matter what they tell you, Sunnydale is not THE place to be.

Rule #7:  Never brass off the Slayer unless you fancy losing your stones.

Rule #8:  Never tell the Slayer you love her unless you fancy losing your stones.

Rule #9:  Elicit the help of the Slayer ONLY WHEN ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

Rule #10: Never, ever fall in love with your sire's current or former lovers.  It will never work out in the end.

Rule #11: Don't dance with the Slayer until she's ready.

Rule #12: "Wind Beneath My Wings" is not an appropriate wedding song for a vampire, no matter who you are marrying.

Rule #13: Never read poetry aloud.

Rule #14: Don't let the soddin' Initiative catch you.

Rule #15: Never take killing for granted.

Rule #16: Don't leave gag gifts in the Slayer's friends' beds.  It's so gauche.

Rule #17: Enemies don't get time outs.

Rule #18: Don't be reluctant to use weapons, they make you feel all manly. (Thanks to "Site")

Rule #19: Don't be all "Grr-arrhg."  Takes the mystery out. (Thanks to "Slayerkid")