A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cuddle

AUTHOR: Taramisu

DATE: 10/04
SUMMARY: Written for the Gordo ficathon.  Any further explanation would just spoil it.

ASSIGNMENT: For Mr. Gordo to kick some big bad butt, Willow, for someone to "see" Mistah G.   No B/A, no Spike/William in any of his incarnations, no Willow bashing.
TIME SET: Season 2 of BtVS

RATING: PG-13

A/N: Thanks be to the betas: Sadbhyl and Jacq.
A/N2: I cheated a leeetle bit at the end.   I hope you don't mind, Eris.

I don’t like to admit it, but I am enjoying this cuddle with Rusty Fur even more than the ones I get with Girl.  When Girl sleeps, she grabs me so tight I feel like my stuffing might squeeze out.  She often Dreems and tosses me around in the dark.  Most of the time I am on the floor when the Big Day Ball comes up.  But Rusty is better.  She holds me so gently as she sleeps on the floor next to Girl’s bed.  Her breath tickles my ear and smells of mint Tooth Paist.  I would be in Hog Heaven being cuddled by her…if only I felt safe.

You see, earlier, Rusty ran into my world with walls.  Her face was all wet and had these weird, red splotches.  Oh, no!  That means she has been Kr-Eye-Ing.  I have seen Girl do this when she is very sad.   Girl saw her Kr-Eye-Ing too.  She jumped up and asked what was wrong.  “The fish,” Rusty said.  “Angelus killed my fish.”  Now, I don’t know what an An Jel Us is, or what a Fish is, but the whole thing sounded bad to me.  Ever since the Big Dark One went away, this An Jel Us has been making my Girl scared.  Someone has to help.  Someone must stop him!  What if he likes to kill SA pigs too?

Girl is nice.  She let me comfort Rusty tonight instead of her.  And I may be missing Girl right now, but this is very good.  A good cuddle indeed.  It does not take long before we are all asleep.

The number machine by Girl’s bed says 1:41 when I hear Rusty whimper.  Water starts to leak from her face and hands.  I know from my vast experience as a Girl’s SA that she is Dreeming.  “The fish!” she yells.  Now her breathing is fast and she says, “The frogs!  Don’t let them get us!”

Well, I know at least two SA frogs and they are the nicest SAs in the world.  I can tell that Rusty is being silly, so I cuddle up a little closer and whisper in her ear.  “Don’t you worry, Rusty Fur.  Mr. Gordo is protecting you tonight.”  She relaxes and even smiles a little bit.  I look up to check on Girl.  She looks a little restless without me, but she can handle it.  I know she is the Slay Her and can do anything!

Having checked on my Girls, I close my eyes and fall back to sleep.  The cuddle is so wonderful that I cannot help it.  As I slip into Dreem Land, I wonder.  Do I snore?

The clear sliding door is moving.  It wakes me up and I see that the number machine says 2:32.  There is a Big One coming in the clear door.  I panic inside because it wouldn’t be good if I woke up Rusty Fur.  She needs her sleep.  I decide to just wait and see what this Big One wants.

He walks over to us and stares.  It is too dark to see his face, but I think he could be the Big Dark One who has been missing!  I want to wake up Girl and let her know he has come back, but Rusty still needs her cuddle.  I stay still and quiet.

After a few moments, the visitor turns his head to look at Girl.  For a second, I am sure it is the Big Dark One…until he smiles.  The light from the Big Night Ball shines off his…fangs…and I think to myself, ‘I know what he is.  He’s a Vamp Hire!’  And, being a very Ubb Zer Vent pig, I know that Girl is supposed to Slay those.

The Vamp Hire moves closer to Girl and I scream, “Hey you!  Get away from my Girl!”  To my surprise, he does stop and then he turns to look at me.  I can see his face now – all bumpy and ugly.  He scares me!

Ugly Vamp Hire says, “What is this, now?  A little dolly pig.  Ohh, Dru would love you.”

He’s getting closer.  What’s he doing?  He’s reaching for me.  “Noooo!  Girl!  The Vamp Hire is going to eat my Poly-Ester stuffing!!”  No matter how loud I scream, Girl does not wake up.

Ugly Vamp Hire grabs my arm and pulls me from Rusty’s grasp.  I know now that I am in trouble and the only one to save me is me.  He lifts me up to his face and I look him right in the yellow eyes.  “You better let me go.  I’m the Slay Her’s SA.  She will not be happy if you hurt me.”

But, instead of being scared, Ugly Vamp Hire laughs!  “I kinda love this town,” he says through his big teeth.  And before I know it, his fangs are in my tender cotton/poly blend fur.

************************

I must have been sleeping all that time, because I am opening my eyes.  I am on the floor by myself.  What a terrible Dreem about Rusty Fur and An Jel Us!  Girl must have shoved me off the bed again.  What a relief!  I sigh a stuffed pig sigh.

Only…there’s Rusty sleeping on the floor, just like in my Dreem.  Suddenly very scared, I turn to see, yup, Ugly Vamp Hire sitting where I last saw him.  He is…drawing a picture.  I walk up behind him very quietly to peek at the paper…and it is a picture of Girl!  Why is he drawing Girl?  Isn’t he supposed to be trying to eat her?

And that’s when I realize that I am really, really hungry.  But I’ve never been hungry before.  I’m a stuffed animal, not an empty one.  Just then, I hear his lispy voice from behind me.  I jump because I did not hear or see him come up behind me.  Those Vamp Hires are sneaky ones.

“So, pig.  How does it feel?”

I think I may be in for some real trouble here.  Ugly Vamp Hire’s paying attention to me again, and I think I’ve already proven I can’t take care of myself.  And what’s worse, I do not know what he’s talking about.  How does what feel?

“Huh?” I ask.

In answer, Ugly just laughs.  He’s a very happy Vamp Hire.

I stare at those long fangs and decide to try what I do best.  “I don’t suppose you’d let me talk you out of hurting my Girl?  Maybe I could do something special for you.  I’m a very good listener.  Maybe you’d like me to make you feel better about something, then you can leave my Girl alone and we’ll all be happy.”

For a minute, I think he is going to say yes.  He is looking at me so strange, as if he cannot figure something out.

“No chance.  But I will do one thing for you.” 

My ears perk up.  He’s going to be nice for a change.  “Yes?!”

“I’m going to let you watch as I kill the Slayer’s little groupie.”

We both look at Rusty Fur at the same time.  In that moment, my kind and gentle nature disappears as something raw and nasty rises up through my stuffing.  I feel my face bubble and change.  My mouth, for the first time ever, actually opens and I can feel something there.  At the exact moment I reach up to feel what is sticking out of my mouth, Ugly Vamp Hire’s eyes grow very wide and he stops moving toward Rusty.

Dear friends, I cannot say for sure what happened after that.  I remember attacking the Vamp Hire, sinking my new fangs into his soft flesh.  I also remember being tossed into the wall.  To tell the truth, it’s all kind of a blur.  I was not myself at all and I am ashamed of my violent behavior.  When the rage finally left me, Ugly Vamp Hire was gone and the clear door coverings were flapping in the breeze.  My leg was very sore from the rough treatment, but I managed to limp back to Rusty and resume cuddle mode, knowing my Girls were now safe.

*************************

“Willow?”

The girl opened her eyes slowly to see a distraught Buffy standing over her with a piece of paper.

“What is it, Buff? 

“Angelus.  He was here last night.”

The fear in those words propelled Willow into a sitting position.  Her breathing came hard and ragged as she yanked the blanket up to cover her to her neck.

“Oh!  Are you okay?  You’re bleeding,” Buffy exclaimed as she grabbed Mr. Gordo.

“Wha--?  Huh?”  Willow looked down and examined herself, not seeing any signs of blood.

“It’s here, on Gordo.”

Both girls quizzically stared at the crimson stain under the pig’s snout.

***********************

“What the bloody hell happened to you?”

Angelus walked right passed the crippled vampire, mumbling something about vampire dolls with souls.

The wheelchair-bound vamp just smirked, saying to himself, ‘The old man’s finally gone ‘round the bend.’