Gordo Fiction

Mr. Gordo Bites the Big One

AUTHOR: Eris

DISCLAIMER: No infringement of copyright is intended. You know the drill, anyone appearing on or mentioned on BtVS are ME's. New characters introduced here are mine.
SUMMARY: What really happened to Mr. Gordo. A response to the "What happened to Mr. Gordo? Challenge".
SPOILERS: If you haven't seen Season 5, episode 22, "The Gift", shame on you. Also refers to events of Season 6 .
WARNINGS: Slanguage and general wackiness.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: A partial slanguage guide follows the end of this story.

RATING: 'R' for 'R'eally bad things happen to Mr. Gordo.

Dawn furrowed her brow and pursed her lips trying to think just how to explain it to him. "Do you remember when I broke my wrist? And the whole hospital/Buffybot fiasco?"

"Ye-aah," Xander nodded.

"That's where it all started." She flopped down in the seat. "But there's so much more to it that you don't know."

He leaned in, eager to know, "Okay, so spill already."

She let out a big sigh and looked as if a weight were being lifted from her chest.

Xander wasn't sure if it was apprehension or relief over having kept this so secret for so long.

"No one was home at the time," she began, "so, I decided to go out back and practice with a crossbow--and before you start, YES, I knew I wasn't allowed to play with weapons unattended. Sue me. Instead, somehow I ended up in Buffy's room just sitting on her bed doing mopey face. I sat there for a long time. I cried and played with Mr. Gordo. Buffy always loved him best of all the stuffed toys she had. I remembered how she used to fight with me to not take him and Mom yelling at us and taking him away, scolding us for not being able to share. Anyhoo, I was just there thinking ... and messing about ... and suddenly found myself drawing a bead on him with the crossbow..."

"Oh no."

"Yup, it went off somehow, shish keGordoed him, broke through the window pane and the next thing I know, there he is," she pointed window-ward, "stuck to the tree out there like a piggipop."

Xander snorted and held himself.

"I like totally spazzed. I hid the crossbow under Buffy's bed and climbed out the window after him. I knew Wil and Tara would be uber-freaked over the breakage; but if they saw Gordo hanging from the tree like a porkcicle, I felt I was dead meat for sure."

"You never should have gone after him."

"I know that now but at the time, the kind of sense that's not, seems, so." She shrugged. "You would have too."

He nodded in agreement, "...and also plummeted to the ground like an even bigger stone." He winked and waged a finger at her, "You know I never did believe your, 'I tripped down the stairs while running in the house' account of breaking your wrist. It never explained that window."

"Well, Wil and Tara bought it and that's what mattered--" she caught herself and redirected, "--at the time." Breathing deep she continued, "But, I was sure I'd be caught when the whole Buffybot fiasco went down at the hospital."

"That truly was a classic," he grinned a wide boyish grin fondly remembering the day, "I really miss the bot. We had some kooky fun times."

"Yeah, she was kewl. She took a lot of my blame there for a while. Anyway, when we got back I peeked out the window, sure Wil or Tara would see him as we cleaned up the glass, but he was gone. I totally panicked. I had no clue where he went or who might have gotten him down."

Xander tilted his head inquisitively, "So, where'd he go?"

"Squirrels." She replied flatly.

"Squirrels?" He quirked an eyebrow.

"Yup, it seems they hauled him down out of the tree and up into another for nest making materials."

He burst out laughing, "No way! You're tall tale-ing it now."

"I'm not." She whined swatting at him, "It's true. I didn't know where he was for a day or so, then I spotted something orange way up in the branches of a neighboring tree. I thought about climbing up and getting him, then *not*, as falling and breaking something else did manage to work its way into my thick Summers' skull, so this time I thought I'd be smart."

His jaw dropped. "You didn't."

She screwed up her face, "I did. I sent the bot to get him. Only I forgot she was way heavier than a person and--"

"KEE-RASH." he sounded accompanied by a loud clap.

She rolled her eyes, "King Kong minus Fay Wray."

He was near tears from laughing. "You mean she didn't get him."

"Not even close. Took out three thick branches on the way down though."

Hysterics now claimd him.

"So then, I crept into Wil and Tara's room and took one of Tara's spell books. I couldn't find a retrieval spell but I found two others. One for animation--"

"Animation?" he breathed settling down some.

"Yeah, to pull him from the tree. And another for levitation."

"To float him down to you?"

"You got it."

"But..." he smiled at her, urging her on. "You've got but-face..."

She lowered her head developing a slight blush, "I guess I said something wrong or there's a secret to combining spells because he made it free of the tree only to burst into flames and drop like a missile."

"Oh God." Xander fell back unable to control his fit of laughter.

"He landed right on Tara's book and it caught fire too," she cringed. "Mad wasn't the word for what she was."

"That's impressive," he announced wiping away the tears rolling down his cheeks. "Because even when Tara was *mad* at Willow, she really wasn't *mad*."

Dawn shook her head knowingly. "I don't think she ever forgave me for that. And you were there for the 'borrowing another person's stuff without permission' speech."

"Noted, she kinda let Wil do all the talking on that one."

"Probably woulda turned me into a toad if she hadn't," she shuddered, "but you weren't there for the rest."

"There's still a rest?" his eyes drew wide, "Oh, Dawn..."

"I thought I was going to burn so I kind of chicken-assedly flung the whole toy/text flambé and it landed in the trash storage area."

He slapped a hand over his mouth as she again nodded her head. "Like flash paper, FWOOSH!" And gestured big. "Flaming garbage ala Gordo. I screamed for the bot to help put it out but the fall musta fried some circuits when she landed on her head cause she stuck her hands right into the flames. Tara came out back just as I got the hose and was putting her out."

"That's our little firebug," he managed to get out between belly laughs.

"That was the lecture I got before you got there plus a supplementary scolding on not abusing the bot."

Winding down, he took a deep breath. "Oh, my God, poor Mr. Gordo. What a way to go," and began getting up to continue their search.

She shot a sheepish glance at him. "I'm not done yet."

"What?" He sat back down astonished.

"It was forever till they finished with me and I could go back and get him but by the time I got out there the trash men had emptied the cans."

"So that was the end of Mr. Gordo?"

She shook her head, no. "I ran after the dump truck."

"Daaawn." He put his head in his hands.

"I don't know how many blocks I chased it till I actually caught it. I made them stop and we did the dumpster dive dealy. But he wasn't there."

"Guess it wasn't meant to be." He offered with a sympathetic tone then caught her eye. "...and that wasn't the end either."

"I guess he fell out of the cans into the bushes or something because a few days later I was brushing my hair when I saw Melinda's stupid dog in the yard with him hanging from his mouth. I ran downstairs and chased it all over town."

"Was that the day you skipped school?"

She closed her eyes and nodded her head.

"Wow, Mr. Gordo certainly bought you season tickets to Lectureland."

"The dog finally dropped him in the middle of Scott Street."

"Sheesh, that's over in the business district."

"He musta spied a cat or something and ran off, so I picked Mr. Gordo up. Next thing I know, I hear a horn, turn, and there's a delivery truck barreling towards me. I dive aside and he goes flying, bouncing right into a sewer drain."

"When this is over, you really need to write it all down, because if I ever saw it in a movie, I'd never believe a word of it."

"It took me forever to pry up a manhole cover. Then I landed in the stinky part of the sewer, you know, not the old part the vamps use that's just gross yet fairly dry, but the real sewer sewer."

"Ewwww."

"Off the scale ick factor. Gordo and I got completely nastified. Plus by this time it was like nine o'clock at night so I snuck in the back and down the stairs to the laundry room, I was going to wash Mr. Gordo but Willow caught me so I quick stuck him in a basket and prepared for her wrath."

"Fire and brimstone," he said knowingly.

"*She* was definitely fired up and *I* definitely stunk like brimstone. Took two days after that for Tara to calm her down and persuade her not to cast a control spell on me."

"Okay," he interrupted, anxious for an answer. "You got him back and washed him, so where is he?"

She cringed, "I didn't wash him. He got tossed into the wash when Anya was over bleaching the sheets."

"Mr. Gordo's white now?"

"No," she frowned. "Mr. Gordo is no more - after all that he disintegrated, spread somewhere between the washer and a too hot dryer. He broke the machines."

"That was Gordo?" He mused, "huh..."

"Yup, but I got the eight hundred dollar speech and a three hour instruction course from Anya on the proper use of the appliances and care and cleaning of the lint tray."

"Hoo boy, I remember the eight hundred dollar speech Wil gave on replacing them. That one was truly inspired."

She looked at him in earnest, "So, you tell me, how could I possibly tell anyone about Mr. Gordo?"

        *** THE END ***

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---=== ERIS's PARTIAL SLANGUAGE GUIDE ===---

by Eris © 2003 -- All rights reserved.

BREAKAGE - (n) Damage. Usually caused by fighting. Minimal to heavy but not enough to be considered wreckage.

ICK FACTOR - (n) A measurement system to determine something's gross out level. Has a basic scale of one to ten. (Usage: "Demon goo, ick factor twelve.")

LECTURELAND - (n) Similar to Back-seat Mothering but one is required to sit and listen to this for one's own good so you don't repeat the same mistake over and over then incessantly whine about it to your friends.

NASTIFIED - (v) Totally and completely nasty. Nasty, gross, dirty to the max. Uber-nasty. Stinky is involved here too.

SHISH keGORDOED - (v) Like shish kebob only definitely not edible XD.

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